Critical Reflection 

“Technology proposes itself as the architect of our intimacies. These days, it suggests substitutions that out the real on the run. The advertising for Second life, a vitirual world where you get to build an avatar, a house, a family, and a social life. On Second Life, a lot of people, as represented by their avatars, are richer than they are in first life and a lot younger thinner, and better dressed.”

 

(Turkle, 2011, pg38)

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I believe that some anxiety stems from the fear of uncertainty about how we feel about ourselves, unable to control our thoughts and the fear of others. To me, body anxiety is the uncertainty about my own abilities, the fear of how others view me, and whether they will accept me or ostracize me. 

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In September of the year 2021, my social appearance anxiety had seemed to have grown for the worst. I had just finished one chapter of my life, graduating with my bachelor's. Yet, the summer after, I had found myself spending many days on various social media sites. This led me into a downward spiral where I often caught myself comparing the way I look with the perfection of others on the internet. I became immersed in negative emotions and thoughts, hearing constant voices in my head telling me that I am "ugly." The voices become so loud that even reading and listening to encouraging praises from the people around me, I still feel... "Ugly."  

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My friends had shared their insecurities with me, we found each other's insecurities hard to believe, but it was not the same when it came to critiquing ourselves. Almost hypocritical, while genuinely seeing the traits without any flaws in others, we almost always see ourselves in a negative light. Words like;

"I want to lose weight."

"My eyes are too small."

"I'm not good-looking enough."

These words appear as frequently as "Good morning" and "Good night."

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Although there are movements fighting for overall gender equality, society has shown to be more critical towards women.

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"You don't see their reactions or anything, and it's like you're talking to a computer screen, so you don't see how you're hurting them"  (Turkle, 2011, pg426)

 

"The internet has allowed women and genderqueer people to reinvent and explore sexual identities by sharing self-imagery that radically differ from the limited versions of femininity seen in pop culture.  But anytime a woman posts her image online, she is subject to social scrutiny. Her image exists in dialogue with all the other selfies, dating profiles, pornified bodies, TV ads and model profiles on the internet. It is treated as public property." (How we become objects, Jennifer Chan)

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According to Chan's statement, women cannot escape from who they are if they reveal themselves as "female-identified users." (Chan, 2015)

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Through more profound research, I found that in this society, men and women are not entirely equal. At least in the education I received, I know that some inexplicable rules bound me, and those rules were just for women.

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I was taught when I was younger that girls should be beautiful, girls should be elegant, girls have to marry a man, etc., brainwashing, which has taken root in my brain. No matter how much I try to get rid of these frames, I can't make it. I grew up in a traditional Chinese family, and China's culture greatly influenced me. I am also addicted to much social software from China. In recent years, social media software called "Xiaohongshu" has been popular all over China. Just like Instagram, people can share their photos above. This has promoted the current "materialism."

Most of the females on that software are beautiful; just like a template, everyone is almost the same. On that software, many people post on their experiences about weight loss and cosmetic surgery and have received many followers. The intellective of modern society is that if I browse those types of posts once, it will promote more posts about those themes.

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Even though social media makes people easier to connect with, it still gives more pressure on women. 

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I questioned myself, my appearance anxiety, in other words, women's appearance anxiety, is it really because of perfectionism? Or is it just to follow the crowd, wish to get compliments from others? Am I anxious about myself, or am I worried about being disliked by others?

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From the idea of an online exhibition, "body anxiety," I first created different figures that appear on various social media pages, referencing my face and body. I started to work on self-portraits since BFA. ​Inspired by Frida Kahlo, Cindy Sherman, and Rachel Maclean, they involve themselves in their project to illustrate the ideas about their identity and politics. But unlike my previous works, this unit of Work is more focused on depicting the characters' anxiety. A few decades ago, women were struggling with unfair rules in society. It seems that unfairness disappeared when the feminism revolution. However, history cannot be changed, and the way people treated themself was still based on what they had been taught. The way I work also plays a vital role in my production. I paint more traditionally, which can create a contrast between the contemporary and ancient. 

It also explained that, as a contemporary artist, I still follow the rules our ancestors wrote and created, just like the female roles in current society. 

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Artist Cindy Sherman started uploading various photos on Instagram in 2017. This informal display of her work has led to all kinds of ideas about what Sherman is trying to express with her Instagram selfie. While Sherman has never expressed her views on social media, from my point of view, her Instagram photos with thick filters may describe how people on some social media are showing and expressing themselves in an extreme form. Or maybe she's trying to highlight the absurdity of virtual realms like social networking sites, that a person can create an infinite number of avatars of themselves, and many people like and appreciate these things. Based on Sherman's work on Instagram, I set out to create a series of oil paintings related to various social media. Also, I chose to present the entire social media interface on the panel/canvas.

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Take my work “Video” as an example; I have abandoned the frontal portraits that I often used before so that the characters' postures are more relaxed and can be naturally integrated into the theme. Video is the first work of the Anxiety series, which is also a significant starting point for me. Online teaching is something I have never experienced before. Because of the pandemic, people have gone from daily lectures to online classes, and video conferencing software has become one of the software that must be opened every day. I am a person who doesn't like to communicate. Online classes have made it harder for me to communicate with my peers. "Video" depicts the character trapped in the software, and even when she is immersed in sleep, the virtual elements such as the light of the mobile phone are always around her.

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